Finger Food
by chaann
Summary: AU - Deidara's father is going on a long business trip! In dire need of a caretaker, his father calls up the son of a good friend and offers him food and housing while attending Uni. All for the care of one sweet child? How could Sasori refuse this great deal?
1. Meetings

They stood there face to face. One holding a look of annoyance, one of scheming. Well, that's what one of them thought. I mean how could he not? He and children did not get along at all.

"Sasori I'm so thankful that you can do this! Remember my house in now your house, there is a fund you can use to care for yourself and Deidara - I trust you will use it wisely. I mean, who am I kidding? You're Yoshiro's son! He was the most responsible man I'd ever met -"

Whatever else the man was saying Sasori didn't hear, he himself was too busy processing what the little blond boy could possibly thinking about. No five year old boy could stand there so perfectly still with such a look on their face without planning something.

Maybe the kid was just brain dead? Sure the kid was undeniably cute to even someone like Sasori, but the boy wasn't hiding the fact he wasn't going to make his job very easy. Well, you just had to look at him! Blond hair that looks like its never seen scissors, and a wealthy father who appeared to buy the him his every desire. This kid was going to be a spoiled little shit that's for sure.

Wait wait wait, what's going on here?

Well the lowdown is, Sasori and Deidara's fathers used to be best friends in school, while Sasori's father quickly became a family man, Deidara's went to the life of a high position job and working immediately, putting off marriage and family until later in life. After taking a widowing break after losing his wife, Deidara's father had to go back to work - and would be going overseas and have no one to care for his sweet treasure, Deidara.

Needing someone to 'babysit' his son, he could find no one to care for his angel. In the end he had called up Sasori, the son of his old friend, when he found out the boy would be going to university in the city. Offer to pay for food and housing in exchange for the nanny-care of one child, how could Sasori refuse?

The man kneeled down to his son and planted a big kiss on his cheek bringing Sasori and the boy out of their staring battle. "Alright Deidara, you be good for Sasori! I'll be back in six months for a visit."

The boy named Deidara nodded and looked back to Sasori and gave a smile before wrapping his hands around his fathers neck in a big hug, "Of course Daddy! Nanny and I will have sooooo much fun, un!" He pulled away and received another big kiss from his father, "I'll miss you Daddy, please stay safe."

Just then there was a car horn, "Ah, there's the taxi!" He grabbed his bags and ran out the door to the vehicle, once he was all settled in he looked back to the two boys standing on the front porch and called from the window, "I love you baby! Kisses!" And started blowing many kisses which Deidara returned happily.

As the car turned the corner,Sasori looked down at the sad looking boy and patted his shoulder. "It's ok, he'll be fine." However he quickly pulled away and as the little boy gave him another toothy smile.

Sasori didn't say anything for a moment but just stared wide eyed at Deidara. apparently the simple smile screamed THREAT. Well, at least it did to Sasori, who was still holding onto the idea that the small blond was without a doubt a demon child. ' you're doing this for benefits, not the kid.' He thought bitterly and took a deep breath.

The boy on the other hand teetered on his feet and chewed on his knuckle, "So nanny, what are we gonna do now?"

Sasori grit his teeth, the Nanny name would have to go as soon as possible. Heaven forbid the brat call him that in public. It would be like a child calling their Mother 'Woman' in public. Not that Sasori was the kids Mother, It'd just be rude and the redhead would have no tolerance for a rude snot nose child. Besides, a male nanny wasn't a job you went around telling people you had, it would best to keep that under cover...

"Nanny! I'm so bored, you're killing me, blah!"

"Can you NOT call me Nanny? I have a name and it's Sasori and you will address me as such."

"Our house has an address! I'm not sure what its for, but it has one! Nanny, did your old house have an address?" The boy rambled sitting on the floor with a thud at the older mans feet.

Sasori growled and stomped out of the living room and marched to his own, hopefully the kid would take the hint and leave him alone. Maybe also learn to not call him a Nanny -

"Nanny~!"

Sasori looked behind him to see the smiling child running with a waddle after him and grit his teeth. "You have toys in your room! There is a TV! I'm here to watch you, not entertain you so leave - me - ALONE!" And with that he slammed the door in the boys face. He walked over to his desk and started to work on a piece of art, which so happens to be puppets.

He achieved maybe twenty seconds of silence until a loud thump hit the door -most likely the boy falling on it in a hissy fit - and then uncontrollable sobbing broke out from behind it. Sasori smirked 'if that spoiled brat thinks crying will get me to play with him, he's dead wrong!'

Deidara cried and cried and cried, and it seemed like it wasn't ever going to let up. Sasori even thought he was going to break since it would take a heart of stone or nerves of steal to put up with that shit - and Sasori certainly didn't have nerves of steal. Lucky for him however after about twelve minuets, the crying turned into a whimper, and then stopped completely.

Sasori worked for another thirty minutes and then decided he had had enough - that boy was far too quiet for his own good! He was clearly up to something out there, how could he not? The redhead had only yelled at him, slammed the door in his face, and left...him...to...cry...

"Oh shit..."

The boy could have run away for all he knew! He quickly picked up the pace after his epiphany and opened the door, but almost tripped on a lump on the floor. Sasori caught his balance and looked and the lump and sighed. He bent down and picked up the sleeping child and started carrying him to his own room.

After getting him to his own bed to rest more, Sasori inwardly groaned at the circles under the small boys eyes, and the tear stains on the his fat cheeks. Perhaps he really had gone too far.

The next time he looked at the blond Sasori jumped in shock as two blue eyes stared at him quietly. "Uh, hey brat."

"Unnn...Why do you be so mean?" Sasori raised a red brow at the boy in question. "Daddy said he would have someone nice an caring an stuff an would play with me but you're a meanie weenie."

Sasori let out a disgruntled noise and ran a hand through his hair. Why did he treat the boy so badly? He'd only been here hardly an hour and the kid just wanted to play!

"Well you kept calling me Nanny you see..." Sasori murmured slowly as if trying to think of more reasons to justify his shitty behavior. "and I really get along with kids. They always act like little brats."

The boy giggled and twisted around in his bed before reaching out a small leg and kicking the older male, "I'm going to hafts to live up to that excepshun now Meanie, un."

Sasori sighed and rested his head in his hands, "I'm Meanie now?"

"Un. You no likey?"

"Not particularly..."

Deidara giggled and grabbed the bottom hem of his shirt to chew on. "Nana na boo boo! naan na duh...nana dan na..na" the boy mumbled kicking his feet around playfully.

"You could just call me Sasori y'know?"

Deidara rolled on his other side and laughed, "Yeah right, of course cause you're the boss, Dan-na!"

Sasori froze.

Deidara sat up.

"Please Brat, not that!"

The boy hopped up and started jumping on the bed giggling, "No can do Danna, un!" Before plopping himself onto Sasori's lap. "What are we gonna play, Danna? What's for dinner, Danna? How old are you, Danna? What's your favorite colour Danna - "

Sasori slowly raised his hands to his face and let out a sigh. Truly this kid was going to make his life hell.

* * *

I blame cheesepie.

deidara is 6 and entering grade 1/year 2. Sasori is 19 and entering his first year of university to clear things up more.


	2. Icecream

"Dannaaaaa!"

Sasori rolled his eyes back in his head is exasperation. The boy had just finished talking about how redbean filling is better than plum and before that about how he's not sure which toy bird is his favorite AND BEFORE THAT about how he doesn't like getting fluff between his toes!

"What..what could you possibly want to talk about NOW Deidara?" He seethed through clenched teeth. He was busy carving an had absolutely no more time to put up with the child's constant chatter.

"I'm hot!" Deidara cried rolling on the floor in his underwear with the electric fan facing him. "I wanna pasicle, un."

"Pasicle? PASICLE?" Sasori turned around angrily. Who taught this boy to speak? The word was POPSICLE. "This house doesn't have PASICLES."

Deidara huffed and started dragging himself out of the room pathetically. "Yes we do, un! I'll find them!"

Sasori snorted. "If you can find the PASICLES, you can eat them." At least the kid was going to leave him alone. The freezer that had the popsicles was in the basement and the boy was clearly scared of - said the notebook his father left. Not to mention with the size of the freezer, he'd like to see the boy get that thing open himself.

Sasori chuckled to inwardly and carried on with his work. In ten minuets the kid would be crying and begging for help, or give up and play elsewhere.

As he was working he just so happened to look at his watch, it had been eleven minuets and he heard nothing. Another ten minuets went by, and nothing. The house was dead silent, surely if the boy was in the basement he would be safe.

"It's not like he tried to get the Popsicles out and fell in the freezer...and had it close on him...where he could suffocate in there..." He reasoned to himself.

Terrible reasoning on his part. Sasori yelped and ran as fast as he could to the door that led to the dark basement. The light was on but he had to travel down to even see the freezer. On his way down he fell and slid on his butt a large amount of steps. "Ouch!" He picked himself up and ran down the rest and around the corner and froze breathless and utterly frustrated.

There on the floor sat the boy in his underwear, covered in an array of glossy colours and chocolate. Popsicle wrappers and sticks all over the floor and an ice cream sandwich currently being stuffed into an open mouth. Deidara looked at the older man and gave him chocolate covered smile as he wiped his chocolate fingers on his belly.

"I found the pasicles, un." And threw up.

* * *

deidara is me


	3. Alphabet

"H, i, j, k, ellomennobee, q r s, t u v, w, x, y and z! Now I know my ABC's next time won't you sing with meee!"

Sasori turned around from cooking and raised a brow at the small boy singing and coloring in a book on the kitchen floor. "Wait, what did you say between k and q?"

The boy looked at his fingers and counted carefully, "Unnn...abc...ijk...Ellomennobee?"

"What the heck is ellomennobee?"

The boy furrowed his brows and gave the older man a disgruntled look. "The letters between k and q, duh!" He then raised a hand to his face shook his head almost like he was mocking Sasori. "I thought big peoples were apposeded to be smart!"

Sasori decided to ignore that last remark and grabbed two plates from the cupboard to start serving the food.

Deidara hopped up in his chair at the table and started to eat as soon as the plate was placed in front of him, Sasori joining him soon after.

Brown eyes narrowed as they watched the young boy eat, the alphabet still bothering the redhead. He had let the pasicle-popsicle incident go on too long and he ended up cleaning a huge mess. He wouldn't dream of going through that again, but how to solve the child's alphabet in a tactful and adult-like manner...

"Un? What's up Dannabanana?"

"I can believe they let you pass Kindergarten with ellomennobee!" He groaned loudly rubbing his head, clearly unimpressed with the education system of today.

Deidara put a very large forkful of food in his mouth and tilted his head in confusion . "Hat's rong ith ellomennobee, un?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong!?" Sasori snapped. "it's L-M-N-O-P! Not ellomennobee! Never ellomennobee! Any regular kid who went kindergarten should know that! What are you, stupid?"

Deidara eyes went wide and started to water so fast. Sasori froze and knew what was coming as he saw the inside of the boys opened mouth as he went to cry. He quickly raised a hand subconsciously to catch the down pour of food pooling out of the blonds mouth, catching most of it, leaving only a small clump to land on the floor.

So here he was.

A hand full of half chewed food and a screaming child because Sasori - the biggest idiot bully ever - made fun of how the six year old sang the alphabet.

"I'm trash..."

Deidara continued to scream - with the occasional incomprehensible babble -tears ran down his face and arms flailed as Sasori ran beside him to calm him down. "Deidara, Deidara! Shh! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

Most of the time he would let the boy cry it out, but this time he realized he was a piece of shit and needed to fix the problem. Or the kid might never forgive him , plot revenge, or worse, tell on him to his dad. Hey, in fact, Sasori might not forgive himself! That shot at Deidara was below the belt and he knew it.

Arms continued to flail about and with one good swing - a small fist rammed into Sasori's nose causing it to bleed. The blond jumped when he heard the pop and looked over to see a pool of blood pouring from the older mans nose.

Sasori yelped and grabbed at his nose, having a small hope that watching him suffer would make the boy laugh but...the screaming got even louder. It was no longer like a cry of sadness, but more like one of fear and pure terror. He was completely hysterical.

Sasori being the biggest idiot he could be in one day, was genuinely confused by the boys fear, but jumped up and grabbed a dish towel and held it up to his face, "I'm sorry Deidaraaa! You're not stupid, it was an honest mistake that we can work on together!"

The screaming immediately stopped and the crying dies down, but when the boy when to rub his teary eyes, he began to cry more when he noticed Sasori's blood on his fists.

"No no no! Deidara it's ok!" he grabbed the bloody fist and wiped it off on his sleeve, "I'm fine, you're fine." He said in a calm manner, then wrapped an arm around the boy and pulled him close while patting his back until he began to hear the boy's breathing calm. All while holding his still bleeding nose.

"Why are y-you stho m-mean to me-e, unnn..." The boy cried pathetically in retaliation.

"Deidara, I'm just not good with kids." Sasori looked to the side and groaned "I'm sorry that I was mean, please accept my apology. Trust me, apologizing is self growth."

Deidara looked at the man for a moment and rubbed his eyes and then his nose with the hand that didn't hit Sasori. His breath was shakey as he calmed down a bit more. "Are ya still bleeding, un?"

Sasori looked down and the now very red and white cloth and sighed, "Probably not, why don't you finish your dinner while I fix this up, ok?"

"Danna!" The boy called out to Sasori who was just walked out of the room"

Sasori poked his head back in, "What?"

Little fingers twiddled about, "Uhm, you know about what you said about the helping me with the ABC's... Can you help me tonight, un?"

Sasori scratched his head with the hand not holding the cloth and sighed, he had a lot of prep school work to do and didn't want to fall behind but... He looked at the blonds hopeful blue eyes and caved. "Sure, finish eating, then let me eat and we can get started." It's not like it would take forever, right? And besides, he could always put the boy to bed right afterwards, giving him more time to work in peace. "I can't let you start the school year with ellomennobee." Sasori sighed walking to the bathroom to fix his nose.

Deidara looked up at the man with bright eyes and a gleaming smile and called after him from the table when he left, "Thank you Danna!"

* * *

Trash Baby Sasori learned his lesson. Deidara is so forgiving.

Did u see the cover image I made? Look. Look at their stupid faces.


	4. Spider

He liked to think of himself as a big man. Sure he was short, but he was nineteen! Practically an adult. Well, technically an adult. He lived away from home, was going to university pretty quick and in the end had a child to take care of.

Big man. Big big man.

If he was so big however, why was he sitting there watching a massive black spider on the wall so intently? Oh ho, that's right. His new school bag was right under it. He had told Deidara not to touch the bag and to not even go near it! The boy was good and heeded his words, but right now Sasori could only think of how he wished the blonde had the bag and not the spider.

It could be any bug really. Sasori wasn't a fan of them, and clearly they weren't a fan of him either. He had swallowed far two many flies while riding his bike when younger, been stung by too many bees, and even bitten by of course - a spider.

Apparently he was delicious as well since you couldn't even count how many times he had had his blood sucked by Mosquitos. And what about that time he opened that old box in his grannies attic? The one that had the swarm of moths fly out? Not to mention how they were covered in germs, bugs all in all were just really gross!

But sure, Sasori did like scorpions. His name means scorpion for goodness sake! It didn't mean he'd wander over and pick one up - thing would sting him in an instance with his bug luck. They were cool to LOOK at though. Through glass of course.

"Hggrgnnnn..." Groaned loudly looking at the bug. He had tried to fan it with a sheet of paper hoping the air would startle it, but the thing only moved closed to his bag. "Hrrrgnn..."

Much for his displeasure to continue, loud thumping foot stomps came pounding down the hallway.

"Hrrrrrgnnn!" Sasori groaned burying his face in his hands preparing for what was to come...

A child burst around the corner and a loud voice shrieked, "Moto-cycle noises! Va va vroom!"

Sasori glanced over between his fingers and sighed as he saw an airplane in the boys hand. Planes didn't make motorcycle noises, but Sasori knew better now than to correct him. He certainly didn't need to deal with the boy crying at this time.

Deidara halted and looked at his caretaker and frowned at the silence and put the plane down on the floor beside the redhead. Something was very wrong - he wasn't angry or yelling at him like he usually would. "Danna, what's up?"

"Hgnnnnhr..." He groaned once more. "I'm sad and defeated as I am no longer a big man."

"SAD and DEFEATEDED? Why? What's wrong, un?"

Sasori sighed and lowered his hands and looked back to the spider that had moved an inch closer to his bag. The thing might as well be touching it. Deciding he didn't need it - or already didn't have the kids respect, he leaned foreword to tell the kid the truth. "There is a spider too close to my bag. I hate spiders."

He watched as Deidara's mouth opened in shock, close, and then open again to make fun of him. "How dare that spider!" The boy yelled angrily as he stomped his feet and waves his arms like a lunatic. "How dare it make Danna sad and defeateded!

"Hah?" Sasori jolted back startled.

Deidara booked it and ran for the wall with a mighty warrior yell, and quickly raised his hand and smacked the spider with the palm of his hand.

Silence filled the room as Deidara's hand stayed on the wall for a moment. Sasori watched as the blond smushed around his hand for a moment before looking back at the him with an oddly determined yet disgusted look. "It crunched."

Deidara then peeled his hand off the wall and both boys got a look at a black smear on the wall and one spider leg. Sasori dove his face into his hands in disgust and Deidara looked at his own hand and crinkled his face.

He grabbed the bag with his clean hand before running back to the red head. "Here's the bag! Spider is gone! Now you can't be sad and defeateded! I'm the hero, un!"

Sasori took the bag and looked at the boy thoughtfully, "thank you very much Deidara... Is there anything I can do for you in return Mr. Hero?"

The child hummed for a moment and looked around the room, his eyes landing on Sasori in the end. "I wanna hug!"

"Tch! Fine." Sasori scowled as he leaned in letting Deidara wrap his hands around his neck. He awkwardly wrapped his arms around the tiny body gently as he felt the child grab a handful of his red hair. "Ok, enough." He pulled away and Deidara let go.

"Oh oh! That's right Danna! Look at my hand! When I squished the spider all the guts and stuff got on my han - " the boy looked at his hand and then the other but couldn't find any bits of spider.

"Excuse me Deidara?" Sasori asked a little uneasy as he looked in Deidara's small hands as well.

"Oh! I must have rubbed the spider guts off in your hair when we hugged, un. Oopsies!"

* * *

I blame AbsoluteAnarchy. Go read her bug story.


	5. Sandwich

There was a time when Sasori liked staying at home on a Saturday.

"Danna, I'm hungryyy!"

The red head cringed yet again at the child's insistent whining for food. Surely the kid wasn't THAT hungry yet, they had eaten a large breakfast only two hours ago! Sasori was sure the boy would take two bites, say he's full, and strut out of there until the actual time for lunch. At least when the kid was at school, he had no choice when he could eat.

"Dannaaaa! I'm going to tell my dad you're starving meeee!"

Yes there was a time.

Sasori huffed and got up from his cozy spot at his desk and knelt before the boy to see him face to face "Fine fine fine fine! What do you want for lunch?"

"Grilled cheese sandwich, un!"

Sasori inwardly smiled. Not at the boys' chipper behavior towards a sandwich, but to the fact he can easily cook one up. Hurray for children liking simple, greasy grub!

While Sasori was cooking however, he had to continue listening to the blond rolling on the floor groaning in agony over how hungry he was.

"Alright! Done!" He placed it on the table and went to get the boy a glass of juice, "Come and eat ALL of it."

Deidara leapt off the floor happily and climbed up on to the chair, eyes twinkling momentarily before giving the sandwich a distraught look.

Sasori put the glass of juice down and rose an eyebrow at the horrified look the blond was giving his food. "What's wrong?"

With a good push at the plate, "You didn't take off the crusties! I never eat the crusties, un! It's sooo gross!"

The older boy sighed and grabbed the sandwich away from him and quickly cut off the crust, "Better, your majesty?"

"It's not cut in half!"

Sasori took it back and went to cut it right through the middle, but deemed if he had cut it wrong he'd have to cook a new one, "Cut in the middle or diagonally?"

"Middle!"

After cutting it down the middle, yet again the sandwich found itself if front of the boy, but Deidara didn't touch it, but rather looked at the sandwich closer. He gave the hot oozing cheese a poke and crinkled his nose, "Ewww! What did you put in the sandwich? Melted plastic, un?"

"No? Just a slice of processed cheese." Sasori said holding up a extra single slice of the cheese like it was no big deal.

Deidara pulled away his finger and looked at the food like it was poison and wiped off the cheese that had stuck to his finger - conveniently onto his clothes. "I can't eat process cheese, I DON'T eat process cheese! It looks fake and gross and bad and gross!" Deidara picked up the plate and held it towards Sasori, "Take it back and make one with REAL cheese in the cheese drawer in the fridge!"

Sasori let out a sigh that sounded like a hiss and went to make Deidara a new sandwich, this time using cheddar cheese, cutting off the crust, and slicing it down the middle. All of course while listening to the brat whine about how hungry he was and how he was dying.

"Better?"

Deidara looked at sandwich and opened it and let out a loud sigh that made Sasori growl lowly, "What is it now, Brat?"

"You forgot the white cheese, Danna."

"White cheese? You didn't ask for white cheese, let alone two different types!"

The boy raised a small hand and put it to his face and let out a dramatic sigh, "I said the cheese in the cheese drawer, un. There are exactly two cheeses in there, riiight?"

Sasori grabbed the plate away, "Ok so I'll just put some on and a nuke it in the microwave..."

"No! That will make it soggy and the white cheese won't melt very good! Do it over, un!"

Now Sasori was angry, there was no way he was making three sandwiches for the kid!

"Hurryyyy I'm hungryyy and 'm dyyying!"

Ok so maybe he was.

Sasori cut two different cheeses, made the sandwich, cut off the crust, cut it down the middle and served it to the blond. "That is the absolute LAST sandwich I'm making for you! Eat it or starve and - "

"Looks delicious, un! Thank you Danna!" The boy interrupted picking up the sandwich and eating it with a large smile on his face, looking up and Sasori giggling.

Sasori on the other hand looked away blushing and picked up the second made sandwich and ate it himself, the anger he felt earlier disappearing... Only for a moment until he walked to the sink to clean up...

"Hey you!"

He turned around to see the blond sitting on the floor below the counter snacking on the first sandwich that he had made and left there, "This is delicious! Way better than the way I eat them usually! Danna, make all my grill cheese sandwiches with process cheese from now on, un!"

Sasori raised his wet hands and covered his face, "This boy is going to be the end of me..."

* * *

This was actually this first babydei I wrote like a month ago

i then I changed that Sasori and deidara live in japan, but I didn't know what other food I could use so I stuck with good ol grill cheese. in this Japan they eat it. shhhh


	6. School shopping

"This is dumb."

"You're dumb."

"I don't wanna go back ta school, un."

"Neither do I. What colour do you want?"

Deidara glared up at the four packs of pencils the older male was holding and meowed. Sasori looked back with a glare of his own and barked causing the child to grab his leg, bury his face into it and giggle.

"I want the blue ones, un! And the red ones!"

Sasori nodded and tossed them into the cart and walked to the next item on the list - erasers. "Pick a pack."

Little hands started grabbing at every pack they could reach and eyes looked them all over angrily. "They're all so ugly! Why can't racers be pretty? Un." he groaned and hunched over with a huff.

Brown eyes rolled and ended up glancing at a pack of four flower shaped erasers. Sasori hummed and then grabbed them and handed them over to Deidara. "That's a pretty as they get." He saw no harm in offering the kid girly erasers as he surely wouldn't pick them - right?

"Perfecto!"

Or not.

"Next is pencil crayons, scissors and paper."

Not giving Deidara the option this time and no longer having the patience, he picked them for him and in the cart they went. "Now we do some more shopping for me, grab onto the cart."

Deidara huffed sadly and hopped onto the end of it for a ride.

Sasori had already picked out some mechanical pencils and assorted pens when in the pencil section with Deidara and some sketchbooks at the art store they were at prior to coming this store.

So onward they continued to walking down the aisle a little further to get some notebooks. Sasori grabbed two black ones and two brown paper-like ones and tossed them into the cart.

"Wow you have really bad taste, Danna. Everything you picked is really borin, un." Deidara mumbled trying to reach in the cart and grab the books.

"I like boring. Careful, you're going to fall - in..." Sasori sighed as he was cut off for a moment by Deidara falling in. He walked around to grab the boy from his ankles to pull him from the cart

"Weeee!" Deidara squealed with a shrill voice, and squirmed to look towards Sasori who was still holding him upside down. "Everyone can see my belly, un!"

"That they can. Are you...learning your lesson?" Sasori took a shot hoping that holding him like this was unpleasant for the boy and might count as a form of punishment.

Deidara scoffed back at Sasori and then screamed, "Everyone! Look at my nipples haha!"

Being highly unimpressed with the kids immaturity, he flipped him upside right so fast and shoved him in the cart so he no longer had the freedom to wander around.

"Stay there. We're leaving." Of course being restricted like this, it caused Deidara to whine for a moment before grabbing everything in the cart and throwing it on the floor.

"What the hell do you think your doing you little shit!" Sasori yelled as he dove to pick up what the brat had thrown out.

Deidara on the other hand looked at Sasori very seriously - like a serious chipmunk. "I wanna get out of the cart, un." he stated and proceeded to throw back out the stuff the other had managed to put back in.

"Fine fine fine!" Sasori hissed behind clenched teeth as he yanked the boy out of the cart and dropped him on the floor with a harsh plop - ultimately receiving a loud whine from the blond. "Checkout counter now!"

"Hmph!" Deidara grunted and turned his head to the side and nodded, then took off to the counter leaving Sasori still picking up the school supplies. "What id wrong with you today!? Get back here you brat!"

Sasori picked up speed plopped everything in the cart and booked it to the counter after the boy - who he could see was pestering the poor cashier.

"Aww! Aren't you sweet! Would you like a sticker, honey?" She asked with a big smile on her face while holding out a clear plastic sheet covered in stickers that were shaped like various art and office tools.

"The paint pallet please, un!"

"Awww! Sure thing sweetie!"

Or maybe he wasn't pestering the cashier...

Sasori opened the car door and Deidara grumpily crawled in and buckled himself up as he threw the bags beside the booster seat. How he ever thought doing all school supplies shopping for the both of them in one day was possible, who knows why. Three different stores for two people was just ridiculous. He then handed Deidara a book and a small packet of crayons for the drive home and slammed the door closed.

Clearly Sasori was still mad about the shopping fiasco, and he himself could tell the boy was still a little bitter. Weren't kids his age ALWAYS excited to go back to school?

'Maybe he's just having a bad day.' Sasori thought as he turned out of the parking lot.

As he started driving he heard rustling of plastic bags. Without even looking back, "Look - don't open."

Deidara grunted in return and they both went back to driving and drawing in silence.

Buildings got smaller as the city turned residential. The car was still silent if you didn't count the sound of Sasori's clunking car. "Finally home..." Sasori muttered as the pulled up to the house. "Pack up Deidara, get ready to get out or I'm leaving you in the car."

"Yes Danna, un."

Deidara then threw what he was holding back into the plastic bag, closed his crayon box and put his notebook back into the drivers backseat pouch.

As they walked into the house, Deidara made a quick beeline for his room and remained in there quietly almost as if he was punishing himself since he was only ever like that when Sasori punished him. What was weird to Sasori was that he was GOING to punish Deidara, had the kid not run away into silence.

Sasori sighed being a little bothered by the behaviour since he'd have to deal with it or the reason for it sooner or later. He began to take the supplies out of their bags and began making two piles of 'Deidara' and 'Mine'.

As he was arranging his pile, he pulled out one of his new notebooks from the plastic bag and and looked at it for a moment with wide eyes.

There on the plain brown paper-like cover was the paint pallet sticker, a crudely drawn picture if two people in crayon - one big person with red hair and one small one with yellow. Birds and flowers were also included throughout the picture - as well as a sunshine in the top right corner. Sasori couldn't help but smile as he saw what was written above it all,

' i WiL miss yoU '

With the both of them going back to school at the end of the week, he and Deidara would certainly see each other less.

'That's why he was so cranky...' Sasori thought as he covered his mouth with his hand and rolled his eyes.

"Deidara, come here!"

Unlike his usual quick loud thumps that would ring down the hallway, now they were slow and landed with a smack of his bare feet. They were very much the footsteps of a sad child that was for sure.

When Deidara did make it to the kitchen he stopped in his place as Sasori held up the notebook to the boy. Deidara's eyebrows shot upwards and his bottom lip stuck out sadly. He looked utterly pathetic.

Sasori put all his weight onto one leg and held his arms open in an inviting way. "Come here."

Short legs took tiny steps, but eventually got close enough to Sasori to be picked up. The older male swiftly pushed the boys head onto his shoulder and as expected, Deidara began to cry.

"I don't w-wanna go ta school! I wanna stay and p-play with Danna, unnn!"

"Yeah, yeah. I know you want to stay with me for some strange reason, you little weirdo." Sasori began patting his back and rocked him side to side until he heard the breathing calm down and the crying turned to a quiet whimper. "It's okay. I'll still see you in the morning, after school, weekends, and I do attend school only four days a week. We'll still get to play."

Deidara let out another sad whine and pulled away from the older boys neck giving Sasori an eyeful of big wet, blurry blue eyes. He reached up and wiped at the tears with his sleeve making the child smile.

"How about a put a movie on?" Sasori suggested moving the boy onto his hip.

"Oh oh! Can you put the singing birdy one on?" Deidara asked wiggling in excitement and shoving his fist into his mouth.

Sasori sighed and rest his head against Deidara as he started walking to the living room and putting him on the couch. "You mean the one we watched yesterday?"

"Un! Can ya make popcorn too!?"

"Sure..." Sasori grumbled throwing a small fuzzy blanket on the boy and handing him a large fluffy blue bird.

"And you're gonna sit with me!?"

"Mhmm..."

"And you're gonna stay for the whole thing this time!?"

Sasori groaned and fell back against the wall dramatically and let out a whine of his own, "...yeah..."

"Thank you Danna for makin me feel better, un."

He looked at the boy's cheerful smile and smiled back. For a different reason of course. Deidara had a face of a child that would fall asleep within twenty minutes of the movie, leaving Sasori with at least thirty minuets of quiet and the ability to tell the kid the movie had ended.

"You'll be fine Sasori... Deidara will be fine Sasori... Everything will be fine Sasori..."

Deidara covered his mouth a laughed at Sasori before shoving the hand that was covering his laugh into his mouth. "Hey Danna?" He gargled "It's just school, Danna. And I know you'll miss me, but don't be a worry pants, un."

Sasori gawked at the boys snide remark and growled at the idea of Deidara treating him like the child. He slid down against the wall down to the floor, "but...earlier it was you...it's not fair." and crumpled into a ball.

"Popcorn and movie ain't gonna play itself Danna!" Deidara yelled flopping around I getting comfy.

"This is dumb."

"You're dumb."

"...I can't wait till you go back to school, brat."

* * *

I won't be doing a deidara's first day back at school.

This one came out a little long since its transitional. oh and a whole lot mushy . uh so bye


	7. Swearing

"But I'm glad I'm back at school!~"

"Eat your damn breakfast!" Sasori yelled as he drove through early morning traffic to get Deidara and himself to school.

Sasori's class didn't start until an hour after Deidara's, but the way traffic was going and would be going would take forever. Not to mention he didn't trust Deidara's ability to say goodbye without throwing a temper tantrum.

Besides, Sasori hated waiting or making others wait. He also just learned he hated when Deidara would sing while in traffic.

"Ohh a bus! I love buses, un!"

"Eaaaaaat."

Deidara hummed and continued to eat his toast and apple slices that were placed on a serviette on his lap and kicked his legs causing them to makes loud thumps against his booster seat. One shoe flew off and hit the dashboard making Sasori grab it and throw it back at the him.

"When daddy and I would go to kinergarten, we would take the bus, un."

Sasori scoffed, "Your dad is rich though, why would he take the filthy, crammed bus?"

"Daddy can't drive no more."

"No more? Why can't he?"

"Daddy got too angry and yelled at too many other people and the sitting in traffic raised his blood pressure which is bad for his hearty, un."

"So he CHOOSES not to drive."

"No no, the policeman took away his license, un. That's why when he left he took a taxi. I think the driving might be bad for your heart too."

Sasori sweet dropped and then sat up a bit more regripping the steering wheel, "I'm fine, but I wish the police would take away my granny's license."

"Y'know, I got sented to the office cause I told my class about that day for show n tell."

"Really?"

"Un."

Sasori sighed as he waited for the next red light to turn green in silence until the blond finished chewing and opened his mouth again to talk.

"The day daddy got pulled over and arrested for throwing a road angry and assaluting the policeman, un."

Sasori snorted and rested his head against the steering wheel briefly as he did, sort of hoping the kid would go on. He had met the kids father a few times when he himself was younger. The man had always seemed so professional and successful. It was humorous to think that such a guy could act so immature.

'I can see where Deidara gets it from.' He thought while smirking.

"Part one of two, un."

"He's assaulted a police officer twice!?"

"Mmm, yeah... Said a lot of words I don't know the meaning to."

"Can you remember any of the words" Sasori asked hopefully that he didn't as a call home when he is in charge of the kid about swearing wouldn't be good.

"I forgot what they were - "

"Good."

"But then I heard you say them and I remembered, un!"

"Ah jeez." Sasori bit his lip as he forgot that he did happen to have a potty mouth around the kid.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Deidara screamed in a malicious way and loud enough that the person in the car beside them looked over before rolling up their window.

Sasori on the other hand choked on his coffee and covered his mouth as he tried not to swear over getting it on his shirt.

"D-deidara you shouldn't say that." And rolled up his own window.

"I don't even know what shit is!"

"And you shouldn't say it if you don't know what it means!"

"But ya call me shit all the time, un!"

"Yeah well...stop saying it!"

"Does shit mean something bad? Are you calling me a bad name? Are you bad?" He gasped, "Am...I b-bad?"

Sasori's eyes went wide when he heard the kids voice cracking up. What a way to spend the first day of school. Discussing how he swears at a child in a malicious way so he can in turn go to school and tell everyone. Next thing you know he gets a visit from CPS about child abuse and has to explain to the father why Deidara was taken away.

"Shiiiiit."

"Shiiiiiiiit, un!"

"Dammit, no Deidara don't say that!"

"Dammit! Hey! That's another word!"

"Aaaargh!"

"Argh!~"

/-/-/

"So Deidara, what did you do over summer break?" A young grade one teacher asked her new student in an introductory circle time.

"..."

"Deidara?"

Deidara raised a hand and made and unlocking motion near his mouth. "I'm not allowed...to talk..." He finally responded quietly and locked his mouth back up.

She laughed and leaned in a little closer before tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Uhm, and why not?"

Again he unlocked his lips, "...Cause swearing is bad an only for adults an I'm being punished, so I'm not going to talk to you or anyone, un."

Before he could lock them up again, a child yelled across from the floor circle. "But you're talking right now!"

"No I'm not, un!"

"Ya-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Enough you two! Deidara, that would be for the best. You're excused from talking."

"okay..." Deidara whispered and locked his lips.

"okay." she whispered back taking the imaginary key away from him and putting it in her shirt pocket, but not without making a mental note about sending a note home in the Deidara's planner.

Something as simple as that is all Sasori could have wished for from their first day back at school. Isn't that sad.

* * *

Anarchy, don't say I don't love you.

am I allowed to swear this much in the k+ section? I only plan on using the two of them but...? ? ? ? hey losers, help me out


	8. Crocagator

"Danna, psst. Dannaaa."

Sasori groaned at the loud whispering and snuggled deeper into his blankets.

"Dannnaaaa! Psssssst! Daaaanna!"

This time he got his hair tugged at and retaliated by rolling over, putting his back to the boy. "Office hours are closed Deidara. Go back to bed!"

"Daaaanna! Psst! It's a amemergency!"

Sasori flopped over and gave the boy a harsh glare. "I swear to god I'm not reading you another story or doing something stupid like checking your closet for monsters. Go to bed!"

"But - "

"Bed!"

Deidara let out a loud huff and stomped out of the room with his feet making harsh smacks. "When the house fills up with potty water and you drown, ya better not expect me to save you, un!"

Sasori sighed contently and flopped on his back. "Yeah yeah, whatever..."

A moment went by. A second moment went by. A third moment went by and almost became a fourth moment when it was stopped when he heard a loud shriek and... a splash?

Sasori jumped up so fast and ran to door tripping over one of Deidara's toys and stepping in a small puddle of water possibly left by Deidara's foot print.

"What do you me-an potty water!?" He yelled with his tired voice cracking while hopping on one foot as he cradled the other one that he hurt on the toy.

After a few good hops he was in the hallway wide eyed as he saw the light on in the hallway and water pooling out from under the bathroom door.

"Shit shit shitty shit!" He ran to investigate and quickly opened the door causing a flood of water to spill out.

"Way to go Danna! You let the waters escape, gruh!" A very wet and tearful Deidara cried hands full of soaking towels and toilet paper.

Sasori dove for behind the toilet and grabbed the silver nozzle and twisted it until the water flow would shut off so it the toilet could drain.

"Deidara! Where does your dad keep the mop?!"

"Mop?"

"Mop, yes the mop. Where is it? Quickly!"

The boy began to stutter and looked around before balling his fists at his side and turning up his head to bellow out a loud cry.

Feet still in water, Sasori grabbed the boy, plopped him in the bathtub and handed him a plastic cup. "Scoop the water into the tub as fast as you can!" He then made a quick run for each and every closet in the house in search for a bucket and mop.

Sasori growled at every closet that didn't have a either, but smiled hopefully as he opened the door that lead to a dark basement.

"Ohh! Please be in here!" He turned on the light and quickly made his way downstairs, however not without sliding down the last three onto his butt. Lucky for him as he let out a very unmanly squeal of joy, a mop fell in his lap and a bucket rolled against his foot.

Quick as lighting - if he hadn't fallen up the stairs three times - he was back in the bathroom where a panicked Deidara was still crying pathetically while scooping up cupful after cupful into the bathtub and down the tub drain.

Sasori quickly began using the mop to soak up the water and rang it out into the bucket over and over and an impressive speed. Even Deidara was in awe and he stopped to watch him momentarily - "Brat! Get back to work!"

After the water was contained to the bathroom, Sasori ran out to the hallway and quickly began removing the water from the wood floor. Heaven forbid it get water damage and he have to pay for the repairs. When he was done mopping it, he threw down some dry towels around the wall edges and went back to the bathroom to finish up.

"Thank god you have a big bathroom that could hold most of the water..."

Deidara had calmed down a considerable amount now that the immediate danger was over with, but suddenly the toilet started making noises...

Sasori scrambled to it and opened it up carefully. There was no danger in it either, just the last of the water draining out. However what he saw in the was quite unimpressive. Three rolls of toilet paper, one washcloth and... After dragging everything out with his hand and putting it in the trash bin - an alligator toy that was halfway down the toilet.

"My crocagator, un!"

Brown eyes glowed red and a heavy ragged breath escaped the older male."What...is this...doing...in the...toilet?" he asked as he squeezed the toy until in bent and his knuckles turned white.

"Yeah! In school today, um, our teacher readed us a book about crocagators in the toilet and how they used to be pets and uh, then they got big and liveded in the sewers, un!"

Sasori plopped on the now drying floor and sighed into his hand as he dropped the toy. Deidara on the other hand climbed out of the tub and sat on Sasori's lap. "You're my hero, Danna."

Sasori looked down and gave the boy an angry glare that the kid didn't see.

Deidara sniffed loudly and rubbed his tired red eyes with the back of his hand, "I didn't think you were going to help me, and you proveded me wrong." Small wet arms wrapped around Sasori's neck in a hug. "I can't wait to tell everyone about Super Danna, un!"

The redhead sighed again but this time he wrapped his tired arms around the boy. "How about you not tell everyone about everything." He mumbled and looked up at the clock. He groaned. It was about five thirty, they had been running around for well over an hour, neither of them got a good sleep and Deidara had spent all this time crying nonstop.

"How about you stay home from school tomorrow with me tomorrow?"

Deidara's eyes went wide, "Miss school? When I'm not sick? Isn't that like... against the rules?"

Sasori didn't have to go to school tomorrow no matter what, and the fact that Deidara would be home all day to bug him when he was relaxing and doing homework didn't seem too appealing. However the idea that he may get a a phone call half way through the morning about Deidara's tired appearance and wild toilet-talk stories seemed even more less appealing.

"No Deidara, you are sick. You'll feel it in a little bit since you got no sleep and had too much excitement." Sasori stood up with the boy in his arms and placed him on the counter and began to take off the child's wet spaceship pajamas. "Bath and then bed."

He eyed up the pajamas how when wet they hardly covered Deidara's little stomach and ankles, and then stuck a finger in the multiple holes in the fabric.

"You need a new PJs. We'll buy you some tomorrow."

"Oooh! An adventure, un!"

Once the boy was stripped and standing in one of the last dry towels, Sasori turned on the water and set it to the extended shower tool and sprayed around the tub as to clean it from the toilet water.

"Danna, are you getting in too?" Asked the blond when Sasori grabbed him and put him in the filling tub.

Sasori turned around and grabbed a few bath toys from a basket in the cupboard under the sink and looked at himself. He cringed as he realized he was soaked too and sighed as he plopped the toys in the water - each with a splash.

"Yeah sure, scooch over."

Deidara moved closer to the tap and played with the flow of water as Sasori got undressed and hopped in. After a few moments he reached foreword and turned off the water and sat back to catch his breath as the boy in front of him played with a small plastic boat, two sea creatures and a large plastic bird...of course...

"Ok cleaning time." Sasori said as he sat up and grabbed the boys shoulders to dunk him in the water. When Deidara popped back up he looked at Sasori and giggled as his long blond hair covered his face.

Sasori smirked and tugged the hair back, put kiddie shampoo in his hands and lathered the long hair.

"Now I finish mine as you do yours, un!"

Sasori nodded and held his breath as he sank into the water and reemerged with his hair over his own face making the child laugh loudly. Sasori bit his lip at the kids laughter and started to wash his own hair.

"Hey Danna, we match!" Deidara giggled pointing back and forth to the pile of foamy soap on top of their heads.

"Would you look at that, we do..."

Sasori then grabbed a bath cup - not to be mistaken with the toilet water cup - and filled it with water, "tilt your head back or get soap in your eyes!" More giggles erupted from the blond as he let the man wash the soap out of his hair.

When he was done, Sasori handed the boy a bar of soap to clean his own body, while he got to lean back and rinse his own hair from the bubbles.

"Ne, Danna?"

"What is it brat?"

Deidara turned around and grabbed Sasori's bent leg and rested his cheek on his knee "Thank you for your help. I'm sorry I flushed my crocagator down the potty and made a big mess."

A large hand reached up and ruffled the boys long hair. "It's ok, just don't do it again."

He then reached forward and pulled the plug making Deidara whine.

"Can we have more baths together from now on, un?"

Sasori furrowed his eyebrows in thought. Surly it wasn't creepy. He bathed with his grandmother until he was ten - wait ew you didn't need to know that.

Thankfully a grunt from the blond brought him back from his thoughts. Sasori groaned as big blue sad yet hopeful eyes begged for a yes. "All the other kids at school get to have baths with their parents!"

That sat in Sasori's stomach like a lump.

After Sasori got out and quickly dried himself, he grabbed his robe off the back of the door and put it on. He looked back to the tub where he heard loud squeaking and rolled his eyes as he watched the child slide around the bottom of the slippery tub on his butt while giggling. He walked forward with the fairly dry towel in his hands and caught Deidara, picking him up and moving him onto the floor and sighed. "Sure, but only sometimes when you've been a good boy!"

"Ok! I'll be good from now on!" Deidara cheered and threw his hands in the air knocking the towel out of Sasori's hands making it fall to the floor.

Sasori groaned as he watched the dancing naked child for a moment before he buried his face into his hands. "Oh how I wish that were true..." Sasori then proceeded to look at the pile of their wet clothes. "I also hope you have another pair of pajamas."

* * *

oh another update wow. this was like the second babydei I ever wrote hahaha

ive been thinking about where they live since they're rather canadian/american yet I wanted them in Japan. So basically they live in a made up land where I can mash up cultures. So them bathing together isn't weird.

see you loser at the store when they go pajama shopping.


	9. Pajama shopping

"Deidara walk beside me."

Little feet slowed down and waited for the bigger man to catch up, only to start running off giggling as soon as he did.

"Deidara - don't run, you'll fall!"

As if on cue, with a great stumble the boy was on the floor of the store face down, and like hell Sasori was going to get away with a run, trip and fall. The crying was sure to-

"Waaaah! Dannaaa naah unnn!"

Come.

Sasori picked up speed with a skip to his step and scooped the boy up and brushed the few specks of dirt from his face. "I swear to god, we're only here to pick up new pajamas for you. It's not like the doctors or the dentist, this is supposed to be easy!"

The boy whimpered, wrapped his arms around his caretaker and let himself be carried to the children's clothing department. "You're not really gonna take me to the doctory people, right?"

Sasori shivered at the thought since he knew that would be another story. He could picture the boy screaming, crying and knocking absolutely everything over.

"Danna! Danna, un! Look! Kiddy clothes!" The blond shrieked causing Sasori to yank the boy away and put him on the floor to nurse his ringing ears. Thank goodness the boy knew where he was going and ran straight for the obnoxiously blue section.

"Ooh Danna look at this!"

"Pajamas! We're here for pajamas!" Sasori hissed as he yanked the piece of clothing out of the kids hand. His dull eyes soon wandered to the underwear department. "I think the two of us need some of those as well though."

He should know when he himself needed some, but also had become keenly aware of the boys needs as Deidara loved to lounge at home in his underwear - hiding nothing from Sasori.

'Maybe I need to start turning off the heat.'

He grabbed the child's small hand and led him to the pajama rack. "Deidara, pick out two pairs. Preferably different."

With that he took off to grab some underwear that was conveniently placed nearby still in sight of the child.

Deidara looked back and forth at his options; camouflage, trucks, pirates and skateboards. In Deidara's mind all he saw was; no, boring, lame and ew. Until he looked to his far left and a pair caught his eyes.

Sasori came back to Deidara's side with the underwear beaming, "it's even on sale! How great is that!" He stopped himself and pouted at what he was holding. "Dammit I feel like Granny, getting all excited over cheap underwear."

While Sasori sulked, Deidara got up on his tip toes and plopped the pajamas into the basket quickly catching the redheads attention. "What did you pick?"

Sasori reached in and picked up the first pair. They were long sleeved and pants, pastel yellow and the picture on the chest were little doves and green and blue glittery swirls. He went to say something to the child, but decided to look a the second pair first. He was pretty sure he saw blue in there... This one had short sleeves with frills around the arm holes and pants. They were baby blue, and had cute penguins playing in the sunshine.

Sasori sweat dropped at the sight of the girls pajamas. Sure they would fit the kid - as they were his size - not to mention suit him, and of course. "Birds huh?"

Deidara threw himself into a fit of giggles and started to pretend to be a bird. "Birds birds! Tweet tweet tweet tweet, un!"

"Well, at least they're not pink...or a night gown."

A mother just then walked by with her three children, each of them running off in a different direction much to her own displeasure. She hummed as she walked up to a rack beside the two of them and glanced over laughing. "Oh how sad...Young man, if you need girls clothes for your daughter, I would be happy to give you some that my little girl has grown out of!"

Sasori flinched - being a little startled -and furrowed his eyebrows as he looked up, "hah?"

She smiled and tapped her chin as she looked at Deidara. "Well, your little girl is in boys clothes, and you're holding girls pajamas. Clearly you're looking to move your sweetie pie into...how to say...lady clothes?" She laughed some more.

Sasori looked down held in his own laughter at Deidara's heavy pout that was aimed towards the woman and raised a hand. "No no, this is a boy! He picked out girls pajamas because he likes the birds on them."

The woman stepped back and looked the boy who was no longer tweeting. "That's a boy? With that pretty face...And his hair is so dreadfully long!"

Deidara huffed at her loudly, "I like it long, un! Watch!" And with that he gave a twirl and let his hair fan out around him. "See? Pretty!"

The woman rolled her eyes and leaned into Sasori and spoke in a lower tone. "If you don't do something now, your boy will be a flaming gay twink."

Sasori scoffed at the woman's idea that having a gay son was bad. "If my boy turns out any way, it won't matter since I couldn't love him any less than I do now. I'll let him make his own decisions, and if he wants cute birdy pajamas, he'll get the goddamn cute birdy pajamas!"

The woman stared at the man trying to process his words. Apparently not understanding when the 'father' in front of her basically said he didn't love his son. She gave a huff and turned her shoulder "Young parents these days with their weird ways of raising kids!" As she walked away she looked left and right and began calling out her missing children's names.

Sasori huffed and tossed the pajamas back in the basket and turned on his heel towards to cash register. Suddenly a small hand tugged at his shirt catching his attention.

"Danna what did you mean back there? You're not my parent...I'm not your boy, un."

"When your father is away, you're my kid. I'll be here, there and everywhere to take care of you." Sasori murmured to the boy quietly as he bent and rubbed the boys cheek with his thumb.

Deidara grew wide eyed as something sparked in his brain. He giggled, sighed and jumped up latching himself around the redheads neck. "Ok Danna! I will keep that in my brainy, un! I'm your boy!"

Sasori tired to tug the boy away from his neck, but gave up and just settled on carrying him - actually more like letting the boy hang there. "So you're my boy?" He murmured as he walked funny making Deidara swing back and fourth in hope of dropping him, before giving up and just carrying the boy.

Deidara giggled as he won the battle and pressed his face into Sasori's neck. "Yeah! Your boy forever and ever and ever and ever, un!"

"Oh yay."

* * *

uhhh sasori just got himself into more trouble.

i'll see you losers on halloween for their next adventure


	10. Halloween

The day is so cold

The leaves - they are changing

Halloween is here

"Wow, thank you brain for the shitty haiku." Sasori grumbled as he tightened his grip on Deidara's hand while they walked into the costume store. Actually, more like Deidara pulling and dragging him into the store.

Being the super ultra mega genius he is, Sasori had waited till the very last minute to get the boy a costume. It seemed like every year Halloween was getting bigger and more popular. He even thought that since he was finally living on his own, he would finally get to go out and go to a Halloween party filled with sexy nurses, gothic lolitas, cat girls and various other scantily clad ladies.

"Lookit all the stuff, Danna!"

Instead of being a normal university student getting drunk and partying, he would be taking a six year old trick or treating.

"Yeah. Would you look at all this...junk." He sneered tugging on the strand of cheap shiny fabric of a costume that was near him.

Not only was he taking the Deidara, the boy had magically convinced - cried, screamed and bargained - that they should wear matching costumes. Or what he called a "couples costume". Just what the young man wanted, to be considered a "couple".

Sasori was an immediate push over though when Deidara finally convinced the older male to play along - dang it he really needed to stop playing the 'other kids do it with their parents' card!

In the end Sasori promised the boy that they would wear a matching costume as long as he would shut up and go to bed. Deidara made him give a sacred pinky swear, just in case the older male backed out of their deal.

Sasori was at least at ease a little bit. He had managed to make it very clear that he himself, no matter what, would NOT dress as a woman. The child's simple question of 'Why would Danna dress like a woman?' made him blush. The kid apparently wasn't as stupid - well actually...

"Look at this costume! Oh no way, wow! No no this one! What do you like, un?" Deidara cheered shoving at least four large prepackaged costumes into the older males face.

"Flower and bee? Knight and dragon? astronaut and alien? Queen and Princess - no princesses!"

Deidara dropped everything he was holding, ignoring all that his caretaker had been saying and ran off with oohs and ahhs. Sasori watched on as a young, chipper male employee walked up and squatted in front of Deidara. He began asking him questions about Halloween in a chipper baby voice making Deidara excited and talk back in an equally happy manner.

Deeming the employee was safe and just going to help Deidara pick a suitable and proper choice of a costume, Sasori whipped out his buzzing cellphone and began texting a classmate about an upcoming test. Tests were far more important than all this crap.

"Danna! I picked one out, un." Deidara cheered as he ran and flopped face first into the redheads lap. Sasori sighed as he successfully managed to lift his phone up and away from being crushed beneath the boy. Cellphones were far more important than all this crap

The employee followed behind snickering with an apologetic look on his face. "He's dead set on this one. Apparently he loves birds y'know - "

Sasori jumped as the phone in his hand vibrated and quickly read it while answering the man. "Yeah yeah, loves birdies. Tweet tweet I know." He paled as he continued to read his phones screen. "Ok Deidara we have to run by my school quick, I forgot something!"

He picked up Deidara by the waist in one arm and his carrier bag in the other as he made a mad dash to the checkout counter. Deidara still held onto the costume but still waved and yelled a 'thank you mister'. The man shook his head sadly.

Dropping Deidara on the ground he whipped out his wallet, threw out a large bill and continued to look at his phone as the cashier broke it and handed him change - all while giggling to herself. Sasori ignored her laughs and viciously texted back hoping that his classmate could convince the teacher to have the class open ten more minuets.

"Hehe, here you are." She handed Deidara three candies and continued to laugh in the direction of the bag. "Pfft - have a fun night you two!"

Sasori grumbled and stuffed the change randomly into his bag, not even waiting as he dragged Deidara out of there, just as he was dragged in the by the child. The blond marveled at the candy and shouted loud 'thank you lady' and a rapid amount of waving which she returned happily.

Rushing out of the store parking lot and up and down the streets, Sasori finally pulled up to his school at record speed and ran out of the car and back in within ten minuets. He held the book and a small folder full of paper and leaned back in his chair. He did it. Now he could rest, and sigh...

"You left me in the car, un."

Sasori's eyes shot open wide and jumped around towards the backseat to see a grouchy Deidara giving him a stern look with crossed arms.

"And I'll never do it again."

Deidara sighed dramatically and gave Sasori a distressed look. "I guess it's oki doki since you promised we would wear a couples costumes."

"You're right. I did promise."

"And you better keep it, un!"

After going home and eating an early dinner, Sasori sat himself down on the floor beside a half empty package since immediately afterwards dinner, Deidara had ran off to put on his costume. Sasori carelessly dumped the large package and out plopped something big white and feathery.

"I know it's a bird thing but...what..."

As he spread the contraption out he paled as a metal wire expanded and the shirt got big and wide. The shorts matched the shirt being white and feathery, yellow leggings with perpendicular black lines as well, weird claw-like flats rolled out and of course, a ridiculous strap on beak.

"I'm going as a big fat chicken!?"

Sasori cringed as he looked the costume over once more and then the the picture on the cover of the package. He clawed at his face in despair. No party and no pretty girls. Just walking outside with Deidara in horrendous chicken costume that he promised to wear.

"You have got to be kidding me. No wait, you know what? No. I'm not going to. I'm going to - "

Loud foot stomps rang down the hallway and a whoosh of yellow jumped in the redheads face. "Danna can you zip me up and make my hair look pretty, un?"

Sasori's jaw fell and his scowl immediately crept into a small smile as Deidara had bounced in the room dressed as a little fuzzy chick holding a green bucket.

"T-that's really cute..."

"Zip me up! Zip me up!" Deidara chanted holding his hair away from the zippers path. "Now do my hair! My hair, un!"

Sasori rested his hands on his knees a moment as he looked the hair over a moment. Sure it needed to be brushed, which was already a hassle, but the boy wanted more than that. Deidara handed Sasori the green bucket that held; hair ties, ribbons, clips, brushes, combs and the most important - detangling spray. Deidara stood there with a wiggle to his legs as he was ready to receive a fabulous new hairdo.

Sasori finally started tugging at the blond hair flipping it this way and that. He was an artist for goodness sake! He should know how to come up with something as mediocre as a hairstyle for a child.

He could do I braid?

"Hmm...I don't know how to braid."

Perhaps he could learn?

"No way am I going to learn how to braid hair."

"How about a pretty horsie tail, un?" Deidara suggest as he shuffled backwards beeping like a truck in reverse, and sat down on Sasori's lap.

"Yeah! I could probably do that! Maybe..."

So Sasori grabbed all of the blond hair including the fringe and began pulling it back, tighter and tighter and tighter until, "I think that's as tight as it gets..."

Hearing no complaints from Deidara, he tied off the ponytail and put his hands down for a moment before grabbing Deidara's shoulder to make him turn around and face him.

Sasori's eyebrows shot up.

He grabbed two large ribbons, black and orange, and tied a bow over the mass of hair and then crawled away before grabbing his phone from his pocket. "Smile..."

Deidara gave a big happy grin and then ran to Sasori as soon as he heard the click. "What did ya take the picture for? Can I see it, huh!?"

Sasori pulled the phone away from Deidara's little grabbing hands and scowled. "I'm sending a picture to your Dad. I'm sure he'll love it." and pressed a few buttons on the screen. He then pressed a few more and turned it so Deidara could get a look at the picture.

"Look at my hair! That's so cool!" Deidara giggled reaching a hand up to touch it. "It looks like a 'splosion!"

Indeed. There on the very top of his small head sat a single ponytail that fanned out like a fountain from being so high.

"Ok now your costume, un!"

Sasori blanched as he remembered that he would be going as a massive chicken.

"Deidara I can't - "

Deidara let out a frustrated scream and balled his fists in anger. The fit startled Sasori to flinch backwards and raise his hands to protect himself. "You promised, un! You promised me with a pinky and then left me...um...uh...all lonely in a car!"

"Ah shit..." Sasori grumbled as he remembered that Deidara could easily tell on him. "And it doesn't help you're dressed like that!" He then gestured to the grumpy little chick "Ugh, Fine! I'll wear the damn costume, just shut up!"

"Yay!" Deidara yelled and threw his fists up all while keeping his angry face. "I'm getting my trickntreat bucket, un!" He kicked the green bucket knocking all the clips onto the floor and stomped off with his little fists still high up.

Sasori sat there for a moment in silence, looked down at the costume and sighed. This was the fear and terror Halloween was supposed to bring, right? "I'm going to be a virgin forever after this..."

-/-

Sasori hid behind his sunglasses as they started their trek down a street far far away from where they lived. Heaven forbid that anyone would recognize him in the horrendous chicken costume. Thank goodness it was still fairly light so that he could still see with them on.

Refusing to wear the wire that would make him round, he walked in a drape of pure white feathers. The leggings made his legs feel weird and the shoes made his walking awkward. Not to mention the beak was no help whatsoever.

Deidara had drawled on and on about how pretty he looked though, and that his red hair crowned his head like the comb of a real chicken. What a booster for his already shot confidence...

Hand in hand, house after house they went to was always the same,

"Trick or treat!"

"How cute! And...uhh. Here you go!"

Deidara was the 'Cute' and Sasori was always the 'And Uhh'.

Deidara met up briefly with a classmate who was dressed as a bloody skeleton. Whoever did the face paint did a really good job, but that kid was terrible! Sasori really hoped that it wasn't Deidara who taught him all those swears.

Parting with the classmate, the next house they walked up to, Sasori watched as Deidara waddled to it. "What is he..?"

He continued to watch as the little chick raised a hand and rung the doorbell before crouching down to touch a spooky skull sitting on the doorstep.

Sasori had a bad feeling about what was going to happen next.

"Oh how cute!" The woman dressed as a friendly witch cheered sweetly while talking in a baby voice. "and what might you be sweetheart?" she humored Deidara a bit hoping to have a silly chat with him.

Deidara stood up straight leaving the skull behind and giggled. "Yeah I'm a chick! Quack quack!"

The woman snorted and did her best to keep her composure. Sasori on the other hand just buried his feathery hands into his face.

"A chick? Quack?" She asked once more for reassurance.

Deidara cheered, "Un! A chick! Like a chicken! See?" and pointed to the large chicken behind him, "Quack quack quack!" And began flapping his arms and waddling around.

The woman looked at Deidara with a concerned face and then at Sasori, "Well isn't he just a little special, right?"

"No ma'am. Just stupid."

She gave a saddened aw and reached back into the bowl. "Here sweetheart, have two candy."

This went on for many houses and each response was the same from then on. Laughter and then more than one piece of candy.

Sasori couldn't let it go on any further. When he heard the first quack he almost corrected the child. Now Sasori isn't stupid, he knows very well what would have happened if he did. He has far too much experience with that and has learned his lesson.

But as he tried his best to hold in the urge to correct the boy, his patience was wearing thin! This time he would take a different approach. He would be calm, supportive and happy to correct Deidara. Certainly no yelling, calling him stupid and/or making fun of him.

He slowly and awkwardly dropped to his knee and grabbed the blonds small shoulders, "Deidara you know I...want what's best for you. And for you to be happy, right?"

Deidara cocked his head to the side, resting a smushed cheek against Sasori's hand and smiled. "Un!"

Sasori groaned at the darling look he was getting. "It's because I...want what's best and for you to be happy that I need to...educate you concerning your..."

"Un?"

Sasori took a deep breath and looked towards the sky before looking back down. "Deidara, chickens don't go quack."

"Wha..."

"It's ok Deidara!" Sasori reassured with an over forced smile and grabbed Deidara shoulders, "Everyone makes mistakes!"

A large hand reached out and rung the doorbell prompting a woman to answer it. She stepped back a little shocked at what she was seeing.

A man in a chicken costume holding a sobbing little chick.

"Oh honey, what's wrong? Did you fall?" She questioned stepping forward giving Deidara a comforting pat as her obvious motherly instincts kicked in.

"NO!" Deidara slammed his hands down against the feathery arm that was holding him and threw his head back, "CHICKENS DON'T GO QUACK! THEY DON'T QUACK!"

The woman took a step back stuttering and gave the pair a deranged look. "Is everything ok?"

"No ma'am. He learned chickens don't go quack and I learned that every single day of my pathetic life is full of the terrors that is Halloween."

* * *

poor sassyboy. merry halloween.

I hope you all enjoyed the vision of Sasori dressed as a chicken and a sweet little chickiedei.


	11. Nose picking

Sasori washed his hands for the fifth time since waking up two hours ago.

Now Sasori's isn't germ crazy or anything, it's just that...

"I see the finger go up and in...but where do the boogers go?" Grumbled Sasori as he watched the six year old shove his finger back up his nose. "It's disgusting..."

Deidara was watching his morning cartoons in slinece - if you don't count the occasional burst of giggles over a poorly made toilet joke or a massive explosion leaving a character covered in soot and ash. He was alone and enjoying himself, so why not pick his nose while he's at it? He had seen the boys at school picking their noses, so it must be a cool thing to do! For all he knew, even Sasori picked his nose secretly. Still, something told him that it would be best to not do it in front of him.

Well...at least he thought he wasn't being watched.

"Where is the snot going? On his clothes? The furniture? The - " Sasori paled as he watched a small hand went from the nose to the mouth. That's where they've been going! Not on the furniture nor the blankets, no not even the walls. They've been going in the brats mouth!

Deidara was eating his boogers!

Sasori fumed. He was furious. No way was he going to let the kid keep this up. Deidara was kicking the disgusting habit here-and-now.

'This whole picking thing is something new...he must have seen a classmate doing it.' He concluded.

Clever guy that Sasori is.

However, how was Sasori going to convince Deidara to stop though? Habits are hard to kick. He knew that from recent activity. For example, Sasori realized that he needed to stop swearing around Deidara. Tried it for an hour and ended up failing miserably. Sasori would not fail this time! Deidara would not fail! This was going to stop - TODAY.

Suddenly an idea came to Sasori and he smiled darkly. He went into the kitchen and went to the fridge and pulled out some grapes. Humming, he sliced two open and scraped out the soft seedy middles and placed them on his finger. The dark green mush glistened on his finger.

This was looking good.

But it needed just one more thing...

With his other hand he reached up to his eye and tugged around his eyelashes until one fell out. He put in on the cutting board he had used to slice the two grapes, and with a quick chop it was cut in two.

Sasori laughed to himself as he put a piece of hair onto the blob on his finger and began rolling it around between his fingers until is was mixed. He then grabbed the other piece of hair and stuck it right on top of the large blob.

It looked disgusting.

It was perfect.

Sasori walked into the living room slowly and casually, almost with a skip in his step for what was to happen next. He noticed when he entered that Deidara quickly dropped his hand and preoccupied himself with the toy in his hand before shoving it in his mouth to chew on.

"Hey Deidara, what'cha doin?"

Deidara grew nervous. Sasori was acting strange, he never sounded this cheerful - ever! However being six, he pushed his worries aside and gave Sasori a big smile with the toy still clamped between his teeth. "M' the watchin TV!"

"Still? I saw you watching it earlier."

Deidara raised his eyebrows. "You were watchin me...watch TV, un?"

"Yes."

"O-oh..."

Deidara held his head down and now refused to make eye contact with Sasori.

"I saw what you were doing with your nose, Brat."

"Un...yeah?"

"Yeah."

Sasori walked forward a little closer but ended up sitting on the chair across from the blond and took a sigh. "So you like putting your snot in your mouth?"

Deidara refused to make eye contact or respond to Sasori but still chewed on his toy, a little more aggressively though.

"Well, guess if you like eating your boogers you'd like to eat mine."

Sasori took a deep breath through his nose making a loud noise that caught Deidara's attention. As he looked up, Sasori shielded his nose and put the finger with the grape on it in there, giving the child the illusion he was picking his nose.

Intrigued, Deidara sat up and tried to get a better look at the finger until Sasori jammed it right in his face making the boy jump back and scream.

"Doesn't that look yummy? You like boogers, don't you Deidara?"

Deidara grew pale as the massive green hairy pile of mush inched closer an closer...until it got too close for comfort and he had to make a run for it. What he didn't expect was for Sasori to chase after him.

Sasori made sure to keep a distance, he wanted to wear Deidara out and make sure he never forgot about this experience. The experience of being chased around the house by a grown man with a booger on his finger.

Deidara screamed and screamed as he ran and ran, to and fro of every corner of the house until he and Sasori were breathless in the last corner in the bathroom. Deidara was trapped behind the toilet, trembling and still screaming in horror.

"Why won't you...eat my...booger, Deidara?" Sasori panted as he staggered with his finger pointed out, ready.

Deidara caved and began to cry, "C-cause it's gross!"

"Why will you eat yours then?" Sasori asked lowering himself to the boys level.

"I don't know! I thought it was yucky, but the other boys at school do it, un!"

Just as Sasori predicted.

"Will you eat them anymore?"

"Noooo!"

"Will you pick your nose at all?"

"Noooooooo!"

Sasori smirked and grabbed a tissue from his pocket and wiped up the mess from his finger. "Good then. Next time you eat them, you will without a doubt be eating mine."

-/-/-/-

Deidara sat on the living room floor playing with and chewing on his blocks as Sasori watched the news from the kitchen and did dishes. All was well, all was quiet. Deidara had been a perfect little boy today and Sasori couldn't have been more proud.

So far...

*ring ring*

"Hello?" Sasori asked placing the phone between his ear and his shoulder so he could continue to clean.

'Hello, yes. Mr. Akasuna, caretaker of Deidara?'

Sasori's eyes widened. He sighed, turned off the water and moved the phone back into his hand.

"Yes, ma'am?"

'This is Deidara's teacher speaking, I was wondering if I could talk to you about what he did today at school.'

Sasori sighed again and put his weight on one leg and leaned on the counter to brace himself for whatever the brat did this time. "Yes, what did he do?"

'Well... It's...he did something and then said something."

"A...double whammy huh?

'Hm, yes. Well you see...He picked his nose and told another boy to eat it, and when the other student said no, he started talking about being chased around the house by you...'

Sasori's mouth dropped. He breath hitched and he choked a little. Oh no oh no.

'With snot on your finger and you were trying to make him eat it."

Shit.

Sasori panicked, "W-well it wasn't snot it was actually just the inside of a grape and I-I did it to teach him not to pick his nose and eat it!"

'Hum, well. Perhaps try to tone your lesson teaching down a bit? It was quite disruptive. The parents of the boys even phoned me earlier as it has caused quite the chain reaction."

"Y-yes ma'am."

'Thank you and goodnight.'

Sasori turned off the phone, ran towards Deidara and jumped down to his hands and knees with a loud thump so they were eye level.

"YOU TOLD YOUR CLASSMATES ABOUT BEING CHASED AROUND THE HOUSE AND BEING FORCED TO EAT BOOGERS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Deidara sat there wide eyed and flinched back slowly as a late reaction. He held his eyes closed tight momentarily before slowly opening them again and whispering, "Danna, you need to calm down - "

"Calm down!? Deidara that had to be the single most embarrassing moment of my life! What is wrong with you? What were you - "

Sasori froze mid yell when he felt Deidara wipe a wet finger in his forehead. "Chill, Danna. By the way, I heard you say it was grape." Deidara then stuck his tongue out and went to walk to his room.

Sasori reached up with a shakey hand and touched the wet area. He looked down at his fingers and paled as he looked at the pale glob of snot sitting on his finger tip.

Deidara looked back momentarily. "I didn't eat it."

Not on the furniture, nor even the blankets. Not even the walls.

They were now being wiped on the Danna.

* * *

you know he dead.

this is based off a moment that my big brother had with my grandma when we were young. she didn't chase him though and he didn't tell all his classmates.

sometimes I write lemons, sometimes I write boogers


	12. Laundry Day

Picking up the pre sorted laundry basket, with a hearty sigh Sasori dumped all the white contents into the washing machine. Socks, shirts, tighty whities and other various white clothing fell like snowflakes, and a reward of fresh crisp clean white clothing was sure to come.

At first it was Deidara getting filth on his own clothing, but it slowly moved to Sasori. One hug and his shoulder could be a napkin. One pat on the back and the world would know a tiny hand had been there. One poor movement and a glass could be tipped over, spilling conveniently all over his clothes.

Sasori had a whole new appreciation for his whites now. Oh how he wanted white all the time. The colours that Deidara brought were something to be feared. Life of staying pure white would be a dream come true for the redhead. Just to wear clean clothes was a blessing to him. Sunday became a day of the week to be excited for since Sunday was the great, mighty, laundry day.

Sasori closed the lid, turned it on and was on his way. "I think I deserve a snack..." He sighed happily as he made his way to the kitchen to make lunch.

Being in such a good mood, he had a bounce to his step. He could only wish that Deidara couldn't find a way to ruin his moments of being content with his life's choices.

"Dannaaa!"

Sasori froze with a lurch. "What is it braaat?" He called back to the boy who sounded like he was a few rooms away.

"You misseded a sock, un!" Deidara continued to yell. "Can I throw it in the washin machine?"

Sasori chuckled at the fact the boy being helpful. "Yeah sure, go ahead! Then come to the kitchen and help make lunch!"

The washer stopped and then a loud thud of the lid being shut rang down the halls. Soon the washer started making noise again and Deidara made his way down the hall to help his Danna make their lunch.

Deidara was very impressed with the redheads good mood, and Sasori in turn was pleased with the boys good behaviour. Maybe things would be taking a turn for good? Finally things could be looking up for Sasori!

The two ate lunch, and the clean up was easy peasy. The next move would be getting the wet laundry into the dryer. Sasori strolled down the hallway still in a good mood and opened the dryer before opening the washer.

One glance in and he froze. Was the lighting in the room messing up his vision? Was he not feeling well? Was so something just wrong with his eyes? The whites sure did look pink, that's for sure.

With shaky hands he reached in and pulled up a piece of pink clothing and held it in from of him. He did do just whites, right? Then... What... Why was his shirt pink!?

Quickly he began going through the laundry piece by piece. Every piece of clean laundry going this way and that. There had to have been something red in the wash! He made sure that he put no colours in this load. How in the world something coloured got in there he didn't know, but it had ruined all their whites! He held up a pair of his underwear and cringed at their new pink look. He had just bought those not too long ago, dammit!

Suddenly while clawing through the cold dome he froze. He saw it. An inch away from his hand, a little red sock. "How in the... How did this get..." He stuttered getting out of the washer and holding the red sock in front of his face.

"Did my sock come clean? Did it, un?"

Sasori slowly turned around to see Deidara standing there with a large grin on his face. His eyes moved down to the boys feet and he cringed as he saw one little red sock on his left foot.

"That's one of my Christymas socks I got from grandpa last year! I know it's a lil early, but I couldn't wait to wear them, un!"

Sasori slumped against the washer and stared at the boy wide eyed. "Then why...did it...need to be washed anyway?"

Deidara twirled a piece his hair shyly and looked down. "I tried peepeeing standin up like a big kid and got pee all over..."

Sasori's eyes grew even wider. He the swallowed hard and blinked very slowly before letting his eyelashes flutter. "You peed on your foot?" He asked now a little hopeful that that was it and that there wasn't pee elsewhere in the bathroom.

"Well..." Deidara mumbled looking up slowly with a shameful grin.

Sasori buried his hands into his face at the idea of buying a whole new selection of white clothes. Shopping with Deidara was a challenge itself. What he was even more not looking forward to was seeing the mess the child had left for him in the bathroom.

He looked towards the ceiling and spoke with a tear in his eye. "Dear mother and father in heaven, please don't let me step in his pee."

* * *

talk about kicking a guy when he's down

i meant to put this up yesterday when it was sunday, oh well


	13. Playdough

Deidara munched on his after school snack and sat there lazily as he watched Sasori run around the house in an attempt to clean it for some apparent reason.

The piles of laundry everywhere were disappearing, the stack of dishes both dirty and clean were taken care of. In fact, instead of Sasori demanding that Deidara put away his toys, he took care of them for him!

He then sighed and leaned back in his chair as he popped the rest of the baby carrot in his mouth. This was the life. Something about watching the older male in an apron doing all the dirty work was oddly very satisfying to the six year old. Not having to do his own chores was great too. Yes, this was the life.

"Deidara you're getting dip on your shirt! The shirt I just washed!" Sasori hissed as he started to wet down a washcloth, preparing to dab the little red shirt clean.

"Oopsie." Deidara chimed and with another plan in mind he lifted his shirt and began sucking on the soiled area.

Sasori hissed as he yanked the shirt out of the boys mouth and looked over the area which was now clean. "Next time just let me take care of it." He groaned turning around to get back to cleaning.

"Why ya cleaning the house anyway, un?" Deidara asked leaning his head back and stuffing a cracker in his mouth, the going crumbs everywhere.

Sasori's eyes widened at the crumbs and sighed. He dusted them off the boy and turned to grab the broom. "I'm having a classmate come over to do some schoolwork, so I thought I should make the place presentable." He said sweeping the area around the child for the second time that day.

"I like presents!"

"Haha - no." Sasori mused as he now used the dust pan. "Be on your best behaviour. I don't want I hear any potty words."

"Like poopy?"

"Yes."

"And fart?"

"Yes."

"And shit-damn-hell-shit?"

"Yes. Especially that." Sasori blushed at how the curse words were said in the exact way he had said them earlier this morning when he cut himself while making himself breakfast. He had really hoped that Deidara hadn't heard him say that. Oh well, the damage has been done.

"I need you to scram when they come over ok? Do you think you could play quietly in your room for an hour?"

"Yes Danna."

Sasori raised both eyebrows at the boys compliance. "And do you think you could call me Sasori while they're here?" He asked a little hopeful.

"No Danna."

"Damn."

"DAMN!"

Sasori narrowed his eyes and went to scold him but was stopped by the sound of the doorbell ringing.

"Bing bong bing bong bing bing bong!" Deidara began to sing in a silly manner and chomped away on the last carrot. Sasori swiped the plastic dish and tossed it in the dishwasher before making his way to the door. Silently hoping that Deidara would stop binging and bonging before he got to the door.

"Hey there partner!"

"Hi, glad you could make it."

Deidara hopped up from his chair still singing his "bing bong" song but a little more quitely. He was so totally ready to meet his dear Danna's friend. A friend of his Danna was a friend of his!

"Oh this must be Deidara!"

Deidara froze at the sight. Maybe a friend of his Danna wasn't a friend of his. There standing at the door entrance taking their coat off stood a beautiful woman. She was flawless, even a simple minded child like Deidara could tell. She stirred all these feelings in his little stomach that he had only ever felt around Sasori. This woman was clearly desirable, an incredible creature, inhuman almost. So what the heck was she doing coming over to their house to be with a piece of trash like Sasori?

To Deidara, if there was one thing for sure that had never made sense, it was women. He was never around them much to begin with though. His kindergarten teacher had been male, his Dad was, you guessed it, male. Heck, Sasori was a male too! The only real girl contact he got were the stupid cootie filled girls he went to school with. those chicks were wack! Oh his new teacher who frankly, bothered him, was a girl too. How dare she keep calling his Danna! Whenever she did, HE got in trouble!

"Ohhh isn't he the cutest little munchkin-muffin in the world!" She squealed as she practically shoved Sasori out of the way and scooped the blond high into the air. Without a doubt she could whoop Sasori's ass in an arm wrestling match, this chick was not one to be trifled with. Those were arms trained to kill and at the same time give the loveliest of hugs.

She pressed her dark lips against his plump cheek and immediately began pressing little kisses. Making Deidara giggle from the little tickles, she even finished off with a big loud raspberry causing Deidara to laugh even more. This girl was great!

"My name is Konan! Let's be frrriends!"

Deidara was beginning to find it hard not to like this girl. She was a pretty spectacular thing. Nothing could ruin this magical moment for either of them.

"Sorry to ruin your fun, but I think we should get working." Sasori intervened tapping his hand on his crossed arms. "Deidara, go play in your room while the adults are working okay?"

Spoke too soon.

Deidara gave Sasori a sad look and Konan caught on. "Nah! He wants to show me his bedroom first, right?" She suggested, bouncing the small boy around on her hip and squeezing his hand.

"Yeah!" He yelled as he squirmed off her hip and down to the floor again. He grabbed her hand again and she held it back as she followed him to his room.

Sasori inwardly groaned since that was one of the rooms he hadn't cleaned. There was sure to be toys, clothes and other various junk were on the floor since any toys that were in the living area got tossed in there carelessly. Who would have thought that a woman could like kids?

He then sighed in defeat and followed the two of them. He wasn't pursuing Konan that's for sure, she had a boyfriend and a protective brother. He wasn't going to mess with them. Sasori just wanted a friend who didn't recoil at the thought of children - which seemed like most young adults now a days. Not only that, he secretly hoped that if he made a good impression, Konan might be cool enough to hook him up with some of her pretty friends.

He leaned on the doorframe and watched as Deidara showed his guest his favorite toy; which happened to be every toy in his room.

"This is my special car! And my extra special birdy! I love birdies, un!"

Konan giggled and looked around. "I can tell you like birdies! Bird toys, bird books - there are even birds on your walls!" She pointed out the photos of penguins, crows, toucans and many others that had cut out and made into a collage and framed in the wall.

Deidara covered his mouth and giggled like a madman while Konan just wanted to scoop him up and eat him he was so cute. Pulling the little thing into a bear hug and giving a storm of kisses was apparently good enough though.

"Konan, work?"

She turned away from loving Deidara and pouted at the small man before looking back at her new lovebug. "Is he always such a buzzkill?"

Deidara looked over at his Danna's blank face and fluttered his eyelashes as he caught the redheads face cringe in anger briefly. "Yes. But that's ok I forgive him, un."

Konan laughed and gave Deidara ine last smooch. "Ok, ok." She mumbled as she stood up, ready to leave the blond. "Lets get working, Sasori."

Deidara went to follow but was stopped when Sasori grabbed him by the forehead and began pushing him back into his room. "You said you would play quietly in your room for at least an hour while the adults worked!"

A whine came from Deidara as he remember he had said that. Keeping his word, he turned and stomped away to a small plastic picnic table that had been set up to be a play desk where he could colour, do homework or even better, playdough.

He begrudgingly got the stuff out and sent the back of Sasori's head a glare. If he couldn't go play with the wonderful new friend; then he would just have to humour himself with a lil ol, sculpting. Oh, and if you didn't know, Deidara considered himself to be quite the artist.

He got the little tools out and began going at it. He pumped out long yellow strands, blue stars and even made a red snake and green bird. Now that was done, what else could the boy do with the dough?

"Welcome to The Great Deidara Restyraunt, un!"

He made pasta, pizza, ice cream, cake and even a cookie. Customers came in and out and were all very happy with their food. Deidara was swarmed in compliments about what an amazing chef he was. They absolutely adored him!

"Oh please, stop." He murmured into his hand as he waved off another customer complimenting him on both his cooking and dashing good looks. With the hand in front of his face he took a deep breath. Man the dough did smell nice... His food looked really yummy too. Also all those compliments! What if - Maybe if he -

"Well..."

Sasori beamed as he came to get Deidara from his room, Konan following like an Aunty waiting to see her sisters new baby. Sasori really couldn't care less about her though. Deidara had been so quiet and so well behaved, he deserved to come out and visit for a bit and possibly get a piece of candy.

"Hey Deidara you can come out now...?" Sasori said but quickly stopped at the doorway as he looked at the boy sitting there staring at the kiddy table. He had his head down and his shoulders were shaking lightly. His small hands on his little stomach and both Sasori and Konan could hear little sobs. "Hey Dei, are you okay?" He asked voice full of concern as he walked over rather quickly to put an arm around the child. Konan stuck out her bottom lip and followed in after, just as concerned as the other.

Deidara slowly looked up with big, teary eyes to see two concerned adults standing over him and looked back down. "Imma dyin, unn."

Sasori rubbed circles in to the little back as he gave a little noise of sympathy mixed with confusion. "What do you mean you're dying?"

Deidara broke down now and threw himself at the redhead. Heavy sobs and tears poured down his face. Sasori had to pull away the blond briefly after hearing the loud sniffle and cringed a little at the sight of snot dripping from the boys tiny nose. He grabbed the bottom of the red shirt and pulled it up to wipe the nose. Like hell he was using his own clothes for that.

"M-my tummy really hurties."

Sasori nodded. "Do you know why your tummy hurts? Why does it mean you're dying?"

Deidara's bottom lip stuck out and then curved into a viciously pathetic frown. "I eated something toxicy and now I'm dyin."

Konan and Sasori now nearly both jumped out of their skin. Toxic? Like poison? Deidara ate poison!? Poison in his little tiny baby body!?

"My lovebug!" Shrieked Konan dropping to her knees and quickly grabbing her phone from her left bra cup.

Deidara immediately saw the panic in the adults and began to panic more himself. Quick strangled breaths and a pink contorted face just made the two adults even more scared. He really was dying now! Life as he knew it was over!

Sasori took a deep breath and placed his hands on his shoulders."Deidara! What did you eat?" He asked now checking the blonds eyes and mouth before pressing his hand to his forehead to look for a rise in temperature.

"Unnnnnnn!" Deidara whined as he tears welled up all over again.

"Deidara!"

"I eated the playdough!" He shrieked burrowing his face into the redheads chest and squirming to wrap his legs around his waist in a death grip. If he was going to die, he was going to get as many Danna-hugs as possible.

However both adults immediately froze and quickly looked at each other. "That's not poisonous, is it?" Asked Konan.

Sasori blinked and picked up the yellow cup to read the label. "No I don't think so?" He pointed to the non-toxic label. "Yes there, he's ok."

Konan took a deep breath of relief and started grabbing at the other cups. "I know he ate some, but how much did he eat?"

Sasori frowned and joined in at looking at the four large empty cups. "I gave him lunch! There is no way he ate it all!"

He yanked Deidara away from his chest but still held him close. "You ate ALL your playdough?"

"Nnn-yeah..."

"All gone? Really!?"

"Gone gone."

Sasori stood up with a handful of child. Man this kid was heavy, but he still rocked the boy back and forth while patting his back as he listened to little whimpers and whines about his tummy hurting.

"So why do you say you're dying?" Sasori asked caressing a tear streaked face with his index finger. He was genuinely interested in how he thought he could be in any sort of peril.

"The packy says T.O.X.I.C" he hiccuped. "That spells toxic and that means your insides are going to melt and die, un."

That's right, he could read. Sometimes Sasori forgot these things based on all the stupid things the kid would do or say. Sasori smacked his lips and looked back down at the yellow cups incredulously "You really ate four cups of playdough?"

"It was really pretty and yummy...I'm a good chef, un..."

"Well, you're going to be just fine. The package says, 'non-toxic' meaning it's not toxic for you." Sasori sighed as he smiled down at Deidara making him send a happy smile back.

"Actually Sasori, my phone says large amount consumption and a stomach ache, he should be taken to the ER."

Konan gasped at how fast Sasori shot up. It was like a blur to her. He placed Deidara on the edge of the bed and made several dashes and stumbles around the house packing multiple things into what appeared to be some sort of diaper bag. Baby blanket, water bottle, snackie bag, bird plush, little book, and his own various belongings were shoved in there. Konan wondered if he was going to shove Deidara in there as well.

He slipped a sweater on Deidara, grabbed him onto his hip, and booked it out of the room. "Lets go Konan! Go go go!"

Sasori danced his his spot as he waited for Konan to hurry up. She quickly put on her own coat and shoes and was out the door with them. Sasori locked the door and quickly ran to the car and buckled Deidara up in his booster seat. Konan chose to sit in the backseat beside Deidara while Sasori drove; off to the hospital they went.

The two adults sat in a small waiting room a little further into the emergency room than where most of the other people in need of help sat. Just behind them was a door where Deidara was getting checked out. Most of the time the childs caregiver was good to go, and could be back there with the child. However, pretty quick after getting there Sasori had fainted. So there he was, sitting there with an ice pack over his eyes and his head lulled back as Konan patted the inside of his forearm.

"Excuse me."

Sasori immediately bolted up causing the icepack to fall and Konan to panic, jumping in her seat as well. "Yes? Yes!?" Sasori yelled grabbing his head, still feeling a little woozy.

The nurse sighed and crouched near Sasori's side. "He's going to be okay. We gave him some medicine and a laxative. It will all pass out of him very quickly. Afterwards when you take him home, make sure he gets plenty of rest and lots of liquids. Also, remember this; he's a child and will only remain as calm as you do."

Sasori breathed a heavy sigh of relief and fell back into his seat. Konan smiled and his knee a few good firm pats. Everything was going to be okay.

"Excuse me!" Another voice piped up from behind the examining room. A young, fresh face nurse peeked her head out. "The patient is making a special request for a 'Sassy Danna'."

Both nurses looked at Konan expectantly but she in turn looked at Sasori.

"Yeah yeah, Sassy Danna is coming..." He grumbled slowly getting up and following the nurse into the room. The feeling of dread knowing he now had to deal with a miserable baby finally sunk in. Was miserable really any better than dead?

Sasori sighed at the sight of the little boy holding a little cup of water and sadly drinking it as he sat on a toilet. He was dressed in a little green dressing gown and his little legs dangled off the edge of the large white throne - The incredibly handy child's toilet seat conveniently preventing him from falling in.

"D-dannaaa... Can you sit w-with me an

hole my han-un?" The little guy sputtered out with fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.

Sasori rubbed the inner corners of his eyes and spotted a small stack of stools that he could pull over beside Deidara. He took three steps though and immediately took three back. He covered his mouth and nose and began to gag at the smell, making Deidara's lip curl down and his eyebrows point up.

Sasori cringed but made his way to the blonds side. The wanted to throw up just at the sounds emitting from the child. That wouldn't roll over well though. He had to remain calm just like the nurse had told him. Deidara was already crying a little bit and Sasori knew it could certainly get worse. Like when they were at home earlier and he had been crying for example. Yes, that had been pretty bad.

"Han?" Deidara asked reaching out a dark pink hand.

Sasori took a deep breath through his mouth and grabbed a hold of the tiny hand. Man was it ever clammy. "Deidara, I just want to let you know how proud I am on how you're handling this." Sasori finally said now facing the boy. "But please, for my own well being, never eat anything that's not food ever again."

Deidara rolled his lips together, pointed his chin down and then took a drink from his water.

"Deidara." Sasori groaned in a harsh tone.

"Oki Danna..."

He nodded and sighed into his other hand. "Good. I can't imagine what I would do if something happened to you." The then gnashed his teeth and to mumble into his shoulder, "Your father would have ki - "

Deidara reached up and shoved a finger in Sasori's nose.

"Aw, isn't that just the cutest!"

Both boys looked up to see Konan standing there with two incredibly attractive female nurses, all three of them cooing over the touching scene. Or at least had been until that finger went up there. Sasori made sure to swat that hand away with incredible speed.

"And I was wondering why you can't get a girlfriend." She laughed alongside with the nurses a moment.

One of them gave Konan a 'no thank you' look and the other pointed to her coworker and followed her on the way out. Konan sighed, sent Sasori a sad look. "Better luck next time." And turned to follow them.

Sasori could only be even more grateful that the cute ladies had left when they had when suddenly a loud fart erupted through the room and Deidara's giggle was the only thing left.

"Yes..." Sasori sent the boy a side glance. "It truly is a wonder."

"I farted Danna!"

"I thought I said no dirty words today!" Sasori grumbled flicking Deidara in the cheek.

"oh..." Deidara looked down as he remembered what his Danna had asked of him earlier. "Haha! Shit-damn-hell-shit!"

* * *

deidara is a gross baby. kids are gross. especially little boys. remember that.

this came out really long...


	14. That's not pizza

Sasori's eyes fluttered as he slowly began to wake up. He felt...good. It was quiet in the house, and his room had sunlight pooling into it giving it a whole serene like atmosphere. Something was wrong, so wrong. What time was it? What was going on?

He rolled over to check the clock and furrowed his eyebrows at what he saw.

A drawing?

It was propped up against his alarm clock and it took him a few moments and a pair of glasses to register what it was.

"A snail? A ball? A..." He finally grabbed the picture and held it close so he could read the writing below it. "piZA."

Sasori wasn't dumb. It was a drawing of pizza left by Deidara. Why though? When? He usually heard the boy stomp around the house, scream as he played with his toys and constantly bothering of him.

"Maybe he meant the tower of Piza and left for Italy."

Sasori looked at the clock once more and sighed as he noticed he had slept in severely. Deidara must have pressed the off button on the clock when he put his picture there. However, why didn't he wake Sasori up? It was weird - but pleasant to not be jumped on it tugged and or even screamed at while having the blankets yanked off.

That shit really should have ended when he moved out of his grandmothers place.

With a groan he got up anyway, though he could definitely sleep longer, and went to grab his robe. He slowed to a stop as a similar picture was stuck to it with, forget using tape but rather multiple stickers. Sasori narrowed his eyes decided not to touch the robe, nor the picture, and even went back to put the first one back exactly where he found it, over the alarm clock.

He tugged on a sweatshirt and put on some socks and made his way out to the living room where the boy would be watching TV. If he wasn't making more pizza posters, that he walked down the hallway he was greeted with more pictures taped to the walls, even crudely cut out pizzas littered on the Sasori rounded to corner and would come into the blonds view, he quickly raised his fist to rub his eyes. Almost as if he had been doing it since he left his room meaning he wouldn't have seen the pictures in the hallway.

"Good morning Deidara."

The boy looked up at the older man curiously and quietly, then turned his attention to the kitchen. "G'mornin Danna." He replied back shoving a piece of plastic food in his mouth to chew on. A plastic pizza in fact. Deidara quickly then got up and ran down the hallway to check on his pictures. Maybe his Danna didn't see them?

Sasori watched the boy bounce down the hall, yawned and sauntered into the kitchen to get his coffee. He flinched as there in front of his coffee maker was a picture of a pizza. Dammit, his one true weakness. He cringed and went to the fridge to get a different drink. Sasori immediately scowled as there on the pitcher of juice was a picture-sticker taped to it. This kid was smooth.

Sasori instead quickly and quietly shut the fridge door and checked the cupboards. Pizza here pizza there, pizza everywhere!

He looked at one that fell out of the cupboard. pi Za!

The writing was so crude it almost looked like...

Sasori smirked as he turned on the rice cooker. He then went into the cupboard and scooped up a cup of the needed rice. He inwardly thanked the child's father for the extensive do's and don'ts of the elusive Deidara's care.

Hearing the bountiful commotion, Deidara dashed down the hallway and into the kitchen. His Danna had to have seen ONE of his notes by now! Were they going to make it by scratch? Pizza? Pizza!

"Rice?" Deidara stated as he came to a crashing halt and watched the man pour it into the machine.

"Mhmm." Sasori replied quietly as he got other ingredients and began preparing them.

Deidara sent Sasori an uneasy look. "W-what are you makin, un?"

"Breakfast."

The boy continued to watch and whine as he observed every step and every ingredient. Wild rice and regular rice, tiny pieces of carrots, peas, nuts, green stuff! His Danna was making a rice pilaf!

"NOOO!" Deidara screamed falling to the floor tugging at his hair. If there was one thing that Deidara despised, it was a rice pilaf. "Waaaugh" he cried flopping onto the floor in a massive hissy fit.

Sasori smirked darkly and glanced over at the thrashing boy almost hoping he would hit his head. He smirked at the thought but carried on his plan. "Deidara I'm sorry, I thought this was what you wanted."

"What!?" Deidara cried with his voice cracking and his motions coming to a sudden halt.

"Yes." The redhead bent down holding the picture a blob with various colours and the incredibly poorly written pizza below it. "I saw this and thought you wanted PILAF."

Deidara's wet eyes grew wide. So it was a simple misunderstanding? "I d-didn't want pilaf, I wanted pizza, unnn. It's pizza day!

Sasori flipped the picture around and squinted at it, adjusted his glasses, even pulling it close and away from his face. "I'm sorry Deidara, I just don't see it. Perhaps you should spend the day working quietly on your penmanship?"

Deidara sent the older man a look that was a mixture of blankness and distraught. "Pen man ship..."

"Go spend today QUIETLY practicing to write, and we can get pizza for dinner."

Deidara's eyes went wide in realization. "Oh! I can do dat, un!" And he sprinted off to his room to work.

Sasori had to make a mental note to check up on him every so often. Even though the boy had promised to not eat anything stupid, Sasori didn't trust him. Everything went in that kids mouth. If Deidara wasn't chewing his toys, he was chewing his nails, hair, shirt, or lip. Heck, he even found ways to chew at Sasori!

"Oh well. I get pilaf for breakfast and a quiet morning!" Sasori grinned to himself. "I also don't have to make dinner!" He pumped his fist as he continued to cook himself a delicious meal.

Deidara could some eat fruit for breakfast or something.

After he finished eating himself, Sasori went into Deidara's room with cut up apple and banana for him. Surprise-surprise though as he spotted Deidara chewing on dinosaur tail while he played with his many cars.

"That's not practicing your penmanship."

Deidara quickly looked up at Sasori and smiled. "Pizza! Did you get me pizza? Is it pizza time!?"

"No. It's fruit."

"That's not pizza..."

" And that's not penmanship." Sasori grumble putting the plate on the little table.

Deidara hummed and nodded his head side to side. "I guess you're right." He hopped up and hobbled in a goofy manner to the table and pulled out a notebook and a piece of apple. "I'm gonna start practicing now and you can get that pizza later for dindin."

Sasori patted Deidara's head and the child returned the kind gesture with a cheesy grin. That was that. Deciding his work was done he nodded and walked out of the room towards his own. He sure was tired even after sleeping in. He had been up all night everyday the past week doing school work that it was beginning to take a toll on him. He felt like he could sleep until dinner and nothing could wake him up!

"Just...a little nap..." Sasori yawned taking off his shirt and glasses, crawling back into bed, flipping onto his stomach and quickly falling into that very deep sleep...

Sasori slowly opened his eyes and looked at the alarm clock. He knocked over the picture of pizza and nearly had a heart attack. Four? Was it really four in the afternoon!? He slept all day! He -

"Deidara!" He gasped hopping out of bed at a lighting speed. Taking only a few steps up; he stepped on a hard object that sent him colliding with the floor. He looked back at it. "Dammit that kid and his stupid markers...oh wait it's a permanent marker - it's mine."

Sasori sighed heavily, stood up, and made his back to check in Deidara. The house didn't smell like it was burning and if there was an emergency, Deidara knew very well to come get Sasori for help. Look back at the toilet catastrophe for a good example of that. Damn that boy and his damn crocagator. Damn them both.

He peeked into the room to see Deidara happily playing with his birds and airplanes, quietly talking to them and creating his own world of wonder and magic. Truly the great work of a child's sweet innocent mind. Too bad those times seem to slip through an adult like Sasori's fingertips.

"That's not practicing your penmanship."

Deidara happily looked up at his Danna and gave him a wide eyed stare before letting out a loud childish giggle. "Oh but I did! I did while you were fast asleep!"

Sasori furrowed his eyebrows. "Huh?" He knew he had been sleeping?

Deidara tried to quiet his stuggled giggling with his hand only to end up chewing on it. "Haha! Go look in the mirror silly, un!"

Sasori clenched his teeth and quickly ran to the bathroom mirror and nearly screamed. Cracked stutters could only be heard. All over his face, shoulders, back, and legs was written PIZZA in thick black ink...

"The permanent marker that was on my floor..." Sasori gasped.

The more Sasori looked the more he realized exactly how many times Deidara wrote PIZZA. It wasn't ten times, nor twenty. There had to be at least one hundred pizzas written on him, if not more. All in the permanent marker.

"Can you read it, un? I got really good! Now we order the pizza?"

Sasori stared incredulously at the child standing at the doorway "What - what made you think it was a good idea to write on me?"

Deidara saw the flame burning in Sasori's eyes and the top lip beginning to curl back in a snarl. He took a deep breath. "I just wanted to show you how good I got... I gotted good just for you..." Here came the water works. "S-so you could read it an be proud an we could eat pizza together, un!"

Sasori sighed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. Deidara in turn just began to cower and cry louder.

"So you want pizza huh?"

Deidara, now a sad little ball on the floor, nodded and let out a whine. "Unnn."

"Go get my phone and the phone book."

The delivery boy rang the doorbell, quietly waited and on teetered back on forth on his heels. As the door began to open his prepared a big happy smile until...

"Hey, here's the money keep the change." The transaction was going by very quick and the door was half open.

The door was then quickly shoved open all the way and the transaction was put on immidiate hold. "Nooo! Me pay, me pay!"

He looked down and watched as his money was passed on, and was now being handed the wad of cash from a child. The pizza was swiftly taken away by the adult who had, more importantly, been the one to REALLY catch his attention.

While Sasori had managed to cover most of his body by the time the pizza came, he hasn't been able to completely clean his face of the dreaded ink. It was successfully smeared grey in a section but clearly the word pizza remained. All the pizzas had and were very visible.

Sasori looked up and caught onto the demented look the delivery boy was giving him and sighed. "It's pizza day." He said in voice heavy with false enthusiasm.

"Oh..." The teen said as if he completely did not understand. "Have a good...Pizza day."

"Pi-zza day! Pi-zza day!"

* * *

ahahahahaha fingerfood lost a favorite. that's right. I noticed.

that's ok. i have loads of fun writing these. love to torture sassy danna totally

speaking of sassy danna, he's a total marshmallow. such a softie


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